How the bastardization of Shakespeare is causing global warming

Upon grading 50 AP papers on William Shakespeare's zenith of self-induced tragedy Macbeth, I have come to a few startling conclusions. One, that as a self-proclaimed Shakespeare and Anglophile, I truly love all that is Shakespearean. Two, that high school students can rarely understand the true genius of Shakespearean language. To this end, I have realized that all "intrapersonal assignments" and "creative writings" done by the average high school student should be irrefutably and irrevocably banned from existence. I am positive that due to translations such as "get some balls and be a man and we won't fail" from the sanctified "but screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail" and "Giving tight pants to a fat woman to save some cloth and a few pennies" from "Here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose" Shakespeare is turning over in his grave. I further postulate that due to the numerous instances of such blasphemies as listed above Shakespeare is spinning so fast in his grave that he has created his own gravitational pull and atmosphere. In accordance, this newly created atmosphere and gravity belt have thrown off the magnetic pull of the North and South poles. In so doing, the Earth's atmosphere has grown warmer (commonly interpreted as "global warming") and ecosystems across the known world have been thrown off kilter. All this due to high schoolers attempting to rewrite Shakespeare.